Russian Roulette

He passes me the gun and the metal feels cold and smooth in my hand. I take a steading breath and hesitate for only a second, you wouldn't have noticed unless you were looking for it. You couldn't show fear with these kinds of people. I hold the revolver pointed towards the wall next to me and with my free hand spin the cylinder. I count until it stops. 1..2..3..4..5..6, it starts to slow and clicks into place. Everything slows down, it's like time stops. I bring my hand up and suddenly the small steel weighs a hundred pounds. It takes forever for my hand to get to my head but once it does it's almost a relief to feel the frigid barrel press against my temple. I look to the man sitting across from me, never taking my eyes off him and pull the trigger...

Ambush

I’m tired of this feeling,
This
Hollow
Lonely
Perpetually Depressed
Feeling that never seems to leave,
It’s always there,
Just like that hole,
It will step back in the shadows sometimes,
But it’s only waiting for another chance to ambush me again,
And It seems,
That the longer it’s hiding out,
Waiting,
The harder I fall when it pounces.
And this time,
This time there was solid impact.
Like a cat,
The claws of insanity grabbing me and sinking in,
Dragging me into it’s den to feast on the last little bit of happiness I carry with me.
Once it’s devoured on my final reason to exist,
It leaves me there,
To pick myself back up,
And try to find that sliver of good emotion again.
But,
It seems,
That it gets smaller,
Like the cat bit it,
And now I’m only finding pieces of it,
Each time,
Getting a smaller piece,
And,
Eventually,
Their going to be so small,
That their going to be nonexistent.

You ask me, How I feel about you?

You ask me,
How I feel about you?
And I struggle to find the right words,
To describe something so indescribable.
So I guess the only thing I can think to say is:
I see your eyes and the internal light from them that you save up for only me,
Is like plugging a household blender in an industrial socket,
I’m overdosing on you,
I’m passed out on the floor from the amount of happiness and love that I am not used to.
While I’m down,
I can hear your voice,
And It is like I’m a addict passed out on the floor with a needle still sticking out of my arm,
Shaking from the poison running thorough my veins,
And hearing God’s voice in my ear,
Saving me,
Telling me that this isn’t my life,
I’m better than a needle
And that he is going to take me,
Take me,
Handing me to his greatest angel,
That angel took me under his soft,
Flawless,
Wings,
And held me there,
Until I was better,
That’s what your voice did for me,
All of that,
From just a few words.
That’s what you do to me.
You ask me,
How I feel about you?
I feel like I’m watching a sunset on the beach with every breath you take from your beautiful mouth.
I feel like an earthquake,
The size of the one that shook Haiti,
Makes the word tremble with every kiss you give me,
That’s how powerful your touch is to me.
I hear about a sandstorm in the Sahara desert every time you blink your amazing eyelashes.
I can see a thousand caterpillars break free of their cocoon and fly as new butterflies every time you bend over and your butterfly tattoo you got on spring break peaks at me from under your little white shirt.
You ask me,
How I feel about you?
I feel like we are lightning and thunder,
We leave a path of destruction and terror in our wake,
But when we come together,
There is nothing more beautiful.

Free

My hand flies towards the glass of the mirror that holds the image of my ugly, blotchy, tear-stained face and everything goes in slow motion.
My hand inches forward,
The anticipation building in the pit of my stomach,
It’s like watching a thermometer climb from zero to one hundred and sixty in a matter of seconds,
My hand hits,
The glass spidering out,
And then shattering to the floor,
I see the sharp edges tear jagged cuts in my skin,
The blood start to slowly trickle out and onto the reflective pieces,
I hold it there for just a second,
But it seems like so much longer,
When I pull back,
I can see shards sticking out of my fingers and knuckles,
I slide down the wall,
And lay my head back,
And just let myself feel the high of my release,
For a few moments,
I feel free.

Love

We sit,
Looking at each other
From different side of the classroom,
Both of us wishing we were together,
Instead of stuck in this prison,
This prison built to contain us,
The magnetic pull between us is so strong,
It makes our desks shake and rattle,
Trying to stay in place,
But the table and chair are weak,
And can’t hold for long,
We are sent flying,
And meet in the middle of the room,
Our desks crashing together,
In an explosion of  metal, wood and plastic.

We stand up in the center of all of the chaos,
And go to each other,
Looking into one another’s eyes for a moment,
And it’s like seeing you for the first time all over again,
My pulse quickens,
And my face flushes,
And it feels like your soul let loose a hundred butterflies in my stomach.

We take another step and embrace,
And it feels so right,
I just don’t understand how anything could go wrong,
Anywhere,
Anytime,
I suppose not everyone knows this love,
That’s why bad things happen,
Because if you know this kind of love,
This shoot me up,
Drag me down,
Small people dancing happily inside of you,
All consuming kind of love,

It’s impossible to do anything,
But love back.

Hold On

I'm broken with superglue filling in my little cracks and duct tape holding me together, 
I have spackle giving a sorry attempt to fill in this big hole,
This hole in my chest, 
This hole in my stomach, 
This hole that doesn't go away, 
It shrinks, sometimes, 
If i'm lucky, 
But it never goes away, 
It just festers, 
Eating away at me, 
It's ugly, 
and painful, 
and I don't think I can live with it much longer,
But I have to, 
I have to hold on, 
For my friends, 
for my family, 
for everyone who has ever given a shit, 
I have to be strong for them, 
I just have to, 
I have to hold on, 
Hold on a little longer, 
Just hold on, 
Hold on 
-Masen

Alone

I turn in bed,
And wrap my arms around you,
Just as I have done so many nights,
I squeeze you and hold you against me,
Never letting go,
I burry my face in the hollow of your neck and inhale your familiar scent,
And nothing I could imagine could ever be better than this,
Right here,
Right now,
I lay like this for a long moment,
And even fall asleep,
And then I have that nightmare again,
The worst one,
I wake up,
And your gone,
and a single,
Hot,
Salty,
Tear,
Slides down my face,
And I know that I’m alone again.
-Masen

As I Sit,

I sit across form you
In that dirty, dingy classroom
That has no right to contain you
I sit there,
Thinking,
Wishing,
Hoping,
Dreaming,

I sit there thinking of you,
And how your eyes are so green they put the newest hundred dollar bill to shame.

 I sit there wishing,
Wishing that you would look up at me,
Just once,
And give me that butterflies all over feeling again

I sit there hoping,
Hoping that one day
Maybe
Just maybe
You will turn to me and tell me with the heaviest heart and greatest sincerity
That you love me
Just the way that I love you.

I sit there dreaming,
Dreaming about what our life could be like,
Dreaming about how happy I could be,
How happy you could be,

And as I’m sitting there,
Thinking,
Wishing,
Hoping,
Dreaming,
I get lost in you, for a split second,
And it’s the most amazing feeling,
It’s like I taste your soul and it’s like rainbows and lollipops dancing on my tongue,
Happiness flowing through my veins
And the most beautiful picture in my eyes,
My fingertips brush against the softest fur
And I’m swallowed whole by a warmth that fills me up and holds me,
Secure,
Just like I could be with you,

But then I can feel myself being tugged out of my high,
My high on you,
I don’t want to let go,
I try to hold on,
I can feel myself squeeze my fingers as tight as they can go,
Ready to give everything up just for a few more seconds of this feeling.

But I can’t,
Before I even have time to look around at the shit hole that I was thrust back into,
I catch a glimpse of beautiful blonde hair,
And I know she’s taking you away from me,
Once again,
I close my eyes and wish it all way,
The sorrow,
The anxiety,
The longing for you to just look up to me and acknowledge that I have feelings for you,
That I might,
Just might be better for you than her.
You frown and sigh,
And that helps a bit,
I almost want to smile, knowing your not happy being with her,
And then I remember,
Your not happy, and that ruins it all again.
-Masen